


♦ The Sun Shines Brighter When I Close My Eyes

by EvelynLawliet



Category: Supernatural, Twist and Shout - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Feels, Hurt, Letters, M/M, T&S, Twist and Shout
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-24 14:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1608452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvelynLawliet/pseuds/EvelynLawliet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Truth was, when Dean looked at the mirror, he didn’t recognize his reflection anymore. And if he couldn’t recognize it, how would Cas? Cas, so sweet, so naïve and smart…He had so much to give, and Dean would not, he repeats it, would not be the reason of his failure. That was just something he would never be able to live with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	♦ The Sun Shines Brighter When I Close My Eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Twist and Shout](https://archiveofourown.org/works/537876) by [gabriel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabriel/pseuds/gabriel), [standbyme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/standbyme/pseuds/standbyme). 



> This is an idea that hit me like two in the morning, and I fought it for a little while. I hate writing about Twist and Shout, even if this is my first attempt at something that should go directly into the story. If you haven't read it yet, I totally recommend it, but be warned: you'll never be able to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart. I mean it.
> 
> Anyway, this takes place in Chapter 7, page 129. The parts in italic are the ones from the original story, which is written by gabriel and standbyme. This is just for the feels, and something I think Dean should have done instead of what he chose to do.
> 
> I think that's about it, so I hope you all like it. :3

_Dean woke up alone, and Cas had left for school. He pulled his duffel bag out of the bottom of the closet and began to shove his clothes into it, the motions mechanical and soothing. He liked it – packing things up, putting them away. The duffel was so tidy and when he zipped it up it was neat and evenly packed and had a familiar weight to it._

For a moment, he found it somewhat weird. He had read in books that people normally liked to look around the places they were leaving before actually taking off, especially if they had lived a significant part of their life there; still, Dean didn’t feel any of it. But that was the problem, wasn’t it? The amount of memories that those walls brought him. It was just too painful to think about them, and how he was just…Leaving.

The word felt strange in his head, as if it weren’t supposed to be there. And, truly, he believed that, because if there was one thing that he didn’t want to do was taking that final step. His greatest wish was to just turn around and put his things back in the closet, even if the weight of his bag was something like a completion to his hand; like an extension of his arm.

Yet, that wasn’t something to be considered. He had seen what he was doing to Cas, and worse, what he _could_ do to him. There was just no way that Dean would be responsible for his hurting, not when he could avoid it. Of course that decision had been hard to take, reason why he tried being around him for a while, but it was just too hard to control himself.

Truth was, when Dean looked at the mirror, he didn’t recognize his reflection anymore. And if he couldn’t recognize it, how would Cas? Cas, so sweet, so naïve and smart…He had so much to give, and Dean would not, he repeats it, would _not_ be the reason of his failure. That was just something he would never be able to live with.

So he gripped the strap of his bag tighter and headed to the door. Cas had left not long ago, so he would still take some time to get back, but Dean didn’t want to risk it. If Cas, for some reason, decided to come home, Dean didn’t want to be there anymore.

His fingers grabbed the doorknob with rage, but as he was about to turn it, a thought stroke him. Wasn’t the whole point of his leaving not hurting Cas? And he would just take off like that, without explanation? Sure, Cas was independent, had lived for some time by himself before and after they met, but that was different. He wasn’t talking about leaving him for a few days, weeks, months, or even a whole year. No, Dean was leaving him forever. And he knew that would destroy Cas.

Sighing, he threw his bag on the floor and sat down next to it. His hands quickly found their way into his hair, and he strongly held the sand-colored locks. He had no idea of what to do. He couldn’t stay, but he also couldn’t leave, so what was he _supposed_ to do? It was a riddle, and one he didn’t have time to think too much about, which was the reason why he decided to go with the first idea that hit him.

Scanning the place with his eyes, he found what he was looking for and quickly stood up, taking Cas’s annotation book and a pen. He always left those things everywhere, because he knew he’d remember something important some time. Dean was thankful at that moment that he had left it there, since it was apparently the one he usually took to school.

Taking a deep breath and knowing he had nothing to lose, he started writing.

“Dear Cas,

I realized, ever since I got back, that I couldn’t trick you even if I tried. Okay, perhaps I knew that before too, but now it only became more transparent, and I’m guessing you know that, right? But the thing is: you do know me better than anyone – except maybe Sammy –, so I think there’s no point continuing lying to you.

Actually, I don’t know where to begin. There are way too many thing I’d like to tell you, and putting them into words is kinda hard. Anyway, I think a good starting point would be the war. Remember that picture you gave me before I left? The one we took at the beach? I kept it in my helmet, so that I could always remember you, like you asked. Believe it or not, thinking about you helped a lot.

Things were though there, you have no idea how so, and I just keep telling myself that I’m glad you weren’t there. I mean, having to worry about bringing my ass home was one thing, but having to worry about keeping you alive too? I don’t think I’d have much success. Well, not that I did with myself, but I really don’t want to think about what I’d do if I had lost you there.

So moving on. I met this kid there. He was like nineteen, and his name was Adam. He reminded me of Sam in lots of ways. I took it as my responsibility to bring him home safe to his mother, who was the only one waiting for him back home. It helped to keep me sane when we didn’t have much sleep, or when the nightmares were too much to handle.

He knew about you. I don’t even know how it happened, not really, but he kept on asking about the picture in my helmet, and one day I finally gave in. He wasn’t like the people around here. In fact, he accepted us, like a normal couple. Back at the time, in a place like that, it was hard to believe that someone didn’t feel insulted or any of that shit about that, you know?

There was one nightmare, though, that even taking care of a ‘little brother’ couldn’t shake off. It was about you. We met again, and we were so fucking happy, Cas. But I touched you and automatically a bruise appeared, or you started bleeding. I realized then how bad I was for you. And when I came back and actually hurt you…That was probably what crossed the line.

That and the fact that Adam was shot by one of ours one day before I came home. There was a trap for us and, even though we were told to stop, someone didn’t. I don’t know who, and that was probably for the best, because I’d have shot him in the head without thinking twice. Seeing him dead, Cas, it shattered me. I imagined what I would feel if it were Sammy or you, and I just couldn’t begin to imagine what his mother went through.

It hurts, Cas. It hurts that I failed at the only two things I had to do. I couldn’t bring Adam safely back to his mother, and I didn’t come home to you. I broke those two promises and I don’t know what to do to make it better. Asking for your help is not an option, even if I know you’d willingly help me. But I can’t ask you this, not after knowing I’m poison.

I wreck everything I touch, and I can’t wreck you too, Cas, not you. That’s why I’m leaving now. Not because I want to, or some stupid shit you’ll come up with, like how I don’t love you, but because I can’t stand to break you. Because I do love you Cas, you know that, right? You know that if I could I’d stay. I know you do.

But let’s face the facts: I’ve never been good to you. Ever since we met you lost almost all of your friends, if not all of them, you were kicked out of your place, and what for? To have a happy, apple pie life with me? We don’t have it, Cas; we’ll never have it. I know you wanted to go dancing, or, fuck, go see a movie, but we can’t. You sacrificed all of it for me, and I pay you back with what? One trip to the beach after years.

You deserve more, Cas, so much more. I’m no good for you, at least not now. But I’m leaving with yet another promise, and I swear I’ll do anything to fulfill this one. I’ll get better. I’ll ask Sam for help, or Bobby, and they’ll know what to do. At least I hope they will.

I’m not asking you to wait for me, but I can’t leave you with nothing. So that’s my promise. For now, enjoy your life, go to college, meet new people. Hell, find a new boyfriend, that’d probably do you some good. But remember that someday I’ll be back. Even if you’re not here anymore, I’ll come back to this place. I don’t know when, or how, but I will.

So I’m leaving. But I’m leaving with a promise. I promise I’ll be like the ocean and always come back to you.

Forever Yours,

Dean”

Dean read and re-read the letter before detaching the paper from the notebook and leaving it by the window. He wasn’t sure if he managed to say what he wanted to, but he judged it to be enough. After all, he had never been one to talk about his feelings, and he was clearly not good at it. But then again, he had never written a letter also, so maybe that was a good combination.

Being sure that was the best he could while his brain was screaming at him to leave, Dean took his duffel bag once again and slung it over his shoulder. It seemed heavier than before, but his body also seemed lighter. Or perhaps that was just his imagination trying to play tricks on him.

Licking his lips, he finally opened the door.

_The girl from before -Molly? - was in the hallway, and she waved to him; he waved back before stepping into the elevator._

The only thing he failed to notice was that the window was open.

**Author's Note:**

> It was hard to even open the pdf again, so please let me know if you liked this! <3
> 
> Work also posted to my tumblr: evelynlawliet.tumblr.com . c:


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